Take care of yourself before taking care of others.

Easier said than done.

  If you’re like most women, taking care of the loved ones in your life comes before taking care of yourself.  Women are taught to play this role from very early on.   We are the caregivers, the worriers, the ones who soothe and calm.

  Because it is so ingrained in me, I have to constantly remind myself to take care of myself first, even in something as simple as caring for my cats.  An example is in the morning, I’m usually thirsty and the cats are hungry.  I used to feed the cats first before drinking a glass of water.  Sounds like an easy task, but they’re outdoor cats and feeding them involves trekking out to the garage, giving them some love, and dealing with any incident that may have arisen in the night (a raccoon or skunk visit, a dead bird or rat -- you get the idea!).  After attending to the cats, I’d often forget how thirsty I was and proceed on to breakfast and the day ahead of me.  I’d get headaches and feel cranky -- I just needed more water.  Knowing this, I now do my best to make sure my needs are met before I head out to the garage.  Though my instinct is to care for the cats first, it can be to my detriment to do so.

  Another example is the transition from work to home at the end of the day.  My husband and I often commute together.  When we arrive home, we are tired from work, hungry, and exhausted.  Since I’m the cook in our family, I tend to jump into the kitchen and start preparing dinner.  While I do this, my husband stretches alone quietly for 20 minutes and then takes a shower.  I used to find myself feeling resentful.  How come he gets to relax and unwind and I don’t?  I’d get angry that he wasn’t helping me and we’d end up arguing at dinner.  No fun.  I’m still working on this one, though it does help that I’m now aware that I ALSO need to transition from work to home.  On the weekends, I prepare larger batches of food so there’s less cooking to be done during the week.  I try to eat a snack in the late afternoon so that I’m not starving (i.e. grumpy) when I get home.  I take a little ME time before heading to the kitchen so that I’m able to be present and “there” with my husband.  I take the time to change clothes and visit the cats and the garden.  The act of being outside and loving the cats helps ground me.  It may  mean we eat dinner later than we’d like, but we both understand our need for a work-to-home transition.

  If you’ve ever been on an airplane, there’s a time in the beginning where the flight attendants tell you what to do in case of an emergency.  They tell you that oxygen masks may drop from overhead if the air quality is affected.  They advise you to put the oxygen mask over your own head BEFORE putting it on the child or person sitting next to you needing assistance.  The idea is this:  You can’t help the person next to you if you can’t breathe!  Take care of yourself first and foremost, so you are able to be there for the loved ones in your life.

In what ways do you take care of yourself first? 

Are you to blame?

Are you to blame for the bad in your life?  

Are you to blame when things go wrong?

  When reading different self-help books, including some that I’ve recommended on this site, it’s easy to get the idea that if you don’t have what you want in your life it’s your fault.  It’s also easy to believe that if bad things happen to you, it’s because you deserve those things or that you somehow sought them out.  While I am a big advocate for getting clear on what you want in life and actively seeking it out, I in no way encourage blaming yourself for when things go wrong or when bad things happen.

  To me, it’s an interesting challenge to try to hold the idea that you can and should follow your dreams and that you deserve all the best in life, while still acknowledging that sometimes things won’t go your way.  Bad things will happen.  The opportunities you seek may not be found.

  I face this challenge most intensely when I find myself thinking negative thoughts and doubting myself.  “There are other people out there who can cook better than me. Who am I to presume I could cook a meal for 20 people?”  Or, when something I think I want doesn’t happen or go as planned I can feel disappointed in myself.  “I wanted that job.  It was an amazing opportunity. I didn’t get it.  I must not have wanted it enough or put enough positive energy towards it.” 

  These kinds of self-doubting thoughts don’t do you any good.  There are so many factors that play into your life – the economic state in which you are born into, where you live, and the education and job opportunities you are given.  Can you change these factors?  Certainly!  But that isn’t easily done, and for many, just getting food on the table each day is the only struggle they have time for.

  In my women’s workshops, we discuss the issue of blame and our status and situation in life.  Some people believe that when bad things happen, it’s because God (or the Universe) wanted them to learn a lesson.  Others believe that life just happens, good and bad, and it’s all about making the best of it.  My personal philosophy relies on the importance of taking care of yourself and doing your best. 

  It’s easy to get caught up in feeling that you are to blame when things go wrong, or when you don’t get what you want.  Maybe sometimes you are to blame.  For example, if you sign up to take a difficult exam that you need to get into graduate school, but then never take the time to study for the test, you are the only one responsible for not passing it.  But if you study hard, and get assistance in preparing for the exam, and do not pass it, are you to blame?  When you do your best, when you do everything you can to get what you want, and it still doesn’t work out, that’s when it’s time to let go.  Reexamine what it is you want.  Change strategy and try something new.

  Blaming yourself for past and current failures or your current situation is not productive.  It doesn’t make you feel good and it doesn’t move you forward.  By reflecting upon your actions, your thoughts, your hopes and dreams, you can better understand yourself and get closer to the life you want to be living.

Looking for the Bright Spots

  In the beginning of their fantastic bestseller Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard the Heath brothers explore the idea of “bright spots”.  They give many examples of how individuals and companies have used a focus on bright spots, or the good things that are working, to bring positive change to a community or business.  Their leading example is the story of Jerry Sternin, working with Save the Children, who was given the task of reducing malnutrition in rural Vietnam.  Instead of focusing on all the reports about the horrible situation and the lack of resources, he asked to visit families in the same areas that weren’t malnourished.  By following those families and seeing what they did differently, he was able to help extend the lessons he learned from them to the families in need.  He looked at what WAS working and focused on how to do more of it. 

  So what is a bright spot?  A bright spot is that solo ray of light shining through the clouds.  A bright spot is a highlight or something good that happens.  Maybe things in general aren’t going so well, but surely there are some good things to find.  Look at what IS working and what is going well.  Find what’s working and do more of it.

  When my husband read Switch, he quickly incorporated the idea into our nightly dinner conversations.  Previous to knowing about bright spots, we would take turns sharing events from our day.  Often times, our conversation would focus on our frustrations.  “Can you believe Frank did that?!” or “Gosh, what a hard day I had.  My boss asked me to take on this complicated project and I feel really overwhelmed.”  We would talk about the good in our day, but we tended to linger on the bad.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with sharing your frustrations, but it can give the loved ones in your life a skewed idea of how things are going for you.

  Our new dinner conversation goes something like this: “Tell me the bright spots from your day!” “Well, this morning on my bike ride to work it was really foggy, so foggy I could barely see.  But it was peaceful.  I had to pay close attention to the road, but I noticed that I was more aware of the sounds around me.  I could hear birds chirping, and I even heard the sounds of kids laughing in the distance.” Or, “Remember how I was feeling anxious yesterday about that new project my boss gave me?  I realized I needed to ask some more questions and talk things through with her.  She had some time this afternoon and I had a chance to express my concerns about it.  It felt really good to get more input from her.”

  The wonderful thing about sharing the good and focusing on the bright spots is that once you start, it’s hard to stop.  One good thought or memory often leads to another.  The act of sharing positive experiences helps us re-experience them again.  This doesn’t mean that my husband and I have stopped sharing frustrations or challenges that come up for us, but it has changed our focus and intention.  If we find ourselves dwelling on a negative situation, we ask each other, “Is there a bright spot to be found here?  Can we look at this problem from a different angle?” 

Have you found a way to look for the bright spots in your day?

Are there negative situations in your life that have some bright spots to be found within them?

You Can Do It!

I CAN DO IT - How To Use Affirmations to Change Your Life

a book by Louise L. Hay

  You can take control over your own thinking.  It’s the only thing you’ll ever have total control of.  What you choose to think is what you’ll get in life.  I’ve chosen to think thoughts of joy and appreciation, and you can, too.

  How often do you find yourself feeling that you don’t have any control in your life?  For some of you, more often than you’d like.  In I CAN DO IT, Hay writes about how you can use affirmations to feel more in control and how to bring positive events and experiences into your life. Her book is filled with positive affirmations relating to different themes, with chapters on health, forgiveness, self-esteem, job success, and stress-free living.  Feeling down about yourself today?  Turn to the part on self-esteem and say or write some affirmations that speak to you.  Anxious about money?  Read the section on prosperity and change your perspective about how prosperous and rich you are.

Every positive thought brings good into your life.

  It took you years to learn the negative beliefs and thought patterns that you currently have.  Taking the time and intention to focus on what you DO want in your life is a rewarding and life-affirming practice.  It isn’t always easy.  You may find yourself forgetting and lapsing into negative thoughts that your being hears and incorporates as affirmations.  Practice bringing awareness to your thoughts.  If you find yourself having negative ones, that’s okay.  Stop and look at those thoughts and ask yourself, is this how I want to feel right now?  Is this what I want to create for myself?  Tuning in and listening to your thoughts is the beginning step in eliminating the negative from your life.

What are your experiences with using positive affirmations? 

Do you have success stories or challenges you’d like to share?