Are you to blame?

Are you to blame for the bad in your life?  

Are you to blame when things go wrong?

  When reading different self-help books, including some that I’ve recommended on this site, it’s easy to get the idea that if you don’t have what you want in your life it’s your fault.  It’s also easy to believe that if bad things happen to you, it’s because you deserve those things or that you somehow sought them out.  While I am a big advocate for getting clear on what you want in life and actively seeking it out, I in no way encourage blaming yourself for when things go wrong or when bad things happen.

  To me, it’s an interesting challenge to try to hold the idea that you can and should follow your dreams and that you deserve all the best in life, while still acknowledging that sometimes things won’t go your way.  Bad things will happen.  The opportunities you seek may not be found.

  I face this challenge most intensely when I find myself thinking negative thoughts and doubting myself.  “There are other people out there who can cook better than me. Who am I to presume I could cook a meal for 20 people?”  Or, when something I think I want doesn’t happen or go as planned I can feel disappointed in myself.  “I wanted that job.  It was an amazing opportunity. I didn’t get it.  I must not have wanted it enough or put enough positive energy towards it.” 

  These kinds of self-doubting thoughts don’t do you any good.  There are so many factors that play into your life – the economic state in which you are born into, where you live, and the education and job opportunities you are given.  Can you change these factors?  Certainly!  But that isn’t easily done, and for many, just getting food on the table each day is the only struggle they have time for.

  In my women’s workshops, we discuss the issue of blame and our status and situation in life.  Some people believe that when bad things happen, it’s because God (or the Universe) wanted them to learn a lesson.  Others believe that life just happens, good and bad, and it’s all about making the best of it.  My personal philosophy relies on the importance of taking care of yourself and doing your best. 

  It’s easy to get caught up in feeling that you are to blame when things go wrong, or when you don’t get what you want.  Maybe sometimes you are to blame.  For example, if you sign up to take a difficult exam that you need to get into graduate school, but then never take the time to study for the test, you are the only one responsible for not passing it.  But if you study hard, and get assistance in preparing for the exam, and do not pass it, are you to blame?  When you do your best, when you do everything you can to get what you want, and it still doesn’t work out, that’s when it’s time to let go.  Reexamine what it is you want.  Change strategy and try something new.

  Blaming yourself for past and current failures or your current situation is not productive.  It doesn’t make you feel good and it doesn’t move you forward.  By reflecting upon your actions, your thoughts, your hopes and dreams, you can better understand yourself and get closer to the life you want to be living.

Looking for the Bright Spots

  In the beginning of their fantastic bestseller Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard the Heath brothers explore the idea of “bright spots”.  They give many examples of how individuals and companies have used a focus on bright spots, or the good things that are working, to bring positive change to a community or business.  Their leading example is the story of Jerry Sternin, working with Save the Children, who was given the task of reducing malnutrition in rural Vietnam.  Instead of focusing on all the reports about the horrible situation and the lack of resources, he asked to visit families in the same areas that weren’t malnourished.  By following those families and seeing what they did differently, he was able to help extend the lessons he learned from them to the families in need.  He looked at what WAS working and focused on how to do more of it. 

  So what is a bright spot?  A bright spot is that solo ray of light shining through the clouds.  A bright spot is a highlight or something good that happens.  Maybe things in general aren’t going so well, but surely there are some good things to find.  Look at what IS working and what is going well.  Find what’s working and do more of it.

  When my husband read Switch, he quickly incorporated the idea into our nightly dinner conversations.  Previous to knowing about bright spots, we would take turns sharing events from our day.  Often times, our conversation would focus on our frustrations.  “Can you believe Frank did that?!” or “Gosh, what a hard day I had.  My boss asked me to take on this complicated project and I feel really overwhelmed.”  We would talk about the good in our day, but we tended to linger on the bad.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with sharing your frustrations, but it can give the loved ones in your life a skewed idea of how things are going for you.

  Our new dinner conversation goes something like this: “Tell me the bright spots from your day!” “Well, this morning on my bike ride to work it was really foggy, so foggy I could barely see.  But it was peaceful.  I had to pay close attention to the road, but I noticed that I was more aware of the sounds around me.  I could hear birds chirping, and I even heard the sounds of kids laughing in the distance.” Or, “Remember how I was feeling anxious yesterday about that new project my boss gave me?  I realized I needed to ask some more questions and talk things through with her.  She had some time this afternoon and I had a chance to express my concerns about it.  It felt really good to get more input from her.”

  The wonderful thing about sharing the good and focusing on the bright spots is that once you start, it’s hard to stop.  One good thought or memory often leads to another.  The act of sharing positive experiences helps us re-experience them again.  This doesn’t mean that my husband and I have stopped sharing frustrations or challenges that come up for us, but it has changed our focus and intention.  If we find ourselves dwelling on a negative situation, we ask each other, “Is there a bright spot to be found here?  Can we look at this problem from a different angle?” 

Have you found a way to look for the bright spots in your day?

Are there negative situations in your life that have some bright spots to be found within them?

You Can Do It!

I CAN DO IT - How To Use Affirmations to Change Your Life

a book by Louise L. Hay

  You can take control over your own thinking.  It’s the only thing you’ll ever have total control of.  What you choose to think is what you’ll get in life.  I’ve chosen to think thoughts of joy and appreciation, and you can, too.

  How often do you find yourself feeling that you don’t have any control in your life?  For some of you, more often than you’d like.  In I CAN DO IT, Hay writes about how you can use affirmations to feel more in control and how to bring positive events and experiences into your life. Her book is filled with positive affirmations relating to different themes, with chapters on health, forgiveness, self-esteem, job success, and stress-free living.  Feeling down about yourself today?  Turn to the part on self-esteem and say or write some affirmations that speak to you.  Anxious about money?  Read the section on prosperity and change your perspective about how prosperous and rich you are.

Every positive thought brings good into your life.

  It took you years to learn the negative beliefs and thought patterns that you currently have.  Taking the time and intention to focus on what you DO want in your life is a rewarding and life-affirming practice.  It isn’t always easy.  You may find yourself forgetting and lapsing into negative thoughts that your being hears and incorporates as affirmations.  Practice bringing awareness to your thoughts.  If you find yourself having negative ones, that’s okay.  Stop and look at those thoughts and ask yourself, is this how I want to feel right now?  Is this what I want to create for myself?  Tuning in and listening to your thoughts is the beginning step in eliminating the negative from your life.

What are your experiences with using positive affirmations? 

Do you have success stories or challenges you’d like to share? 

UES Women’s Self-Expression Workshop for University Professors

  This was a special experience!  Thanks to the enthusiasm and thoughtfulness of the UES professor who coordinated the workshop we were a focused group of women with a clear intention of learning and sharing together.  These professors teach English, French, and Journal Writing at El Salvador’s only public university.  It was a unique opportunity for them to spend time with each other. 

  A few were unclear at first about why the workshop was only for women.  By the end of the first session, they understood why.  We quickly came to share personal experiences.  We talked about “how to find the love of your life”, whether that love had been found or not.  We explored issues of self-esteem.  One participant proposed a fictional “anxious mother” that helped us understand how Creative Visualization could be used on a daily basis.  We became each other’s cheerleaders.

  

  These women had lots to say and contribute. Some were inspired to write in a journal.  Others were excited about clarifying their goals.  As teachers, they were curious about applying some of the practices in their classroom and sharing with their students.  They are all hard-working women with full work schedules and lives.  I’ll be curious to know how they are able to incorporate these practices into their tight schedules.

Here I am preparing them for the "Fluency Workshop".  

We have on average over 40,000 thoughts per day.  

Why not make some of them intentional positive thoughts?

The participants share their Positive Affirmations in a “Fluency Circle”.  Example:  I am calm and relaxed.  You are calm and relaxed.  It was fun to see their smiles.

We created our own Positive Affirmations and wrote them on a group poster to help bring them into reality.

On the last day we celebrated with certificates and Comida Tipica.  I especially liked the hot chocolate.

Universidad El Salvador, San Salvador

Who Inspires You?

  Think of someone who inspires you in your life.  What are the qualities that person has?  Write them down.  Are they qualities you’d like to have for yourself?  Do you already have some of these qualities?  

  In the session on Positive Affirmations we use this question to help spark our imagination.  Often times, people we like or look up to, have qualities we’d like to have more of in ourselves.  Through reflection, we can work to create affirmations that truly resonate with who we are and what we want.