Are you to blame?

Are you to blame for the bad in your life?  

Are you to blame when things go wrong?

  When reading different self-help books, including some that I’ve recommended on this site, it’s easy to get the idea that if you don’t have what you want in your life it’s your fault.  It’s also easy to believe that if bad things happen to you, it’s because you deserve those things or that you somehow sought them out.  While I am a big advocate for getting clear on what you want in life and actively seeking it out, I in no way encourage blaming yourself for when things go wrong or when bad things happen.

  To me, it’s an interesting challenge to try to hold the idea that you can and should follow your dreams and that you deserve all the best in life, while still acknowledging that sometimes things won’t go your way.  Bad things will happen.  The opportunities you seek may not be found.

  I face this challenge most intensely when I find myself thinking negative thoughts and doubting myself.  “There are other people out there who can cook better than me. Who am I to presume I could cook a meal for 20 people?”  Or, when something I think I want doesn’t happen or go as planned I can feel disappointed in myself.  “I wanted that job.  It was an amazing opportunity. I didn’t get it.  I must not have wanted it enough or put enough positive energy towards it.” 

  These kinds of self-doubting thoughts don’t do you any good.  There are so many factors that play into your life – the economic state in which you are born into, where you live, and the education and job opportunities you are given.  Can you change these factors?  Certainly!  But that isn’t easily done, and for many, just getting food on the table each day is the only struggle they have time for.

  In my women’s workshops, we discuss the issue of blame and our status and situation in life.  Some people believe that when bad things happen, it’s because God (or the Universe) wanted them to learn a lesson.  Others believe that life just happens, good and bad, and it’s all about making the best of it.  My personal philosophy relies on the importance of taking care of yourself and doing your best. 

  It’s easy to get caught up in feeling that you are to blame when things go wrong, or when you don’t get what you want.  Maybe sometimes you are to blame.  For example, if you sign up to take a difficult exam that you need to get into graduate school, but then never take the time to study for the test, you are the only one responsible for not passing it.  But if you study hard, and get assistance in preparing for the exam, and do not pass it, are you to blame?  When you do your best, when you do everything you can to get what you want, and it still doesn’t work out, that’s when it’s time to let go.  Reexamine what it is you want.  Change strategy and try something new.

  Blaming yourself for past and current failures or your current situation is not productive.  It doesn’t make you feel good and it doesn’t move you forward.  By reflecting upon your actions, your thoughts, your hopes and dreams, you can better understand yourself and get closer to the life you want to be living.